So all the lovely first round tests were done. Only thing to do is back to my doctor to see what everything means. Oh, if only it had been that simple...
The appointment is made and like a good little nauseous pregnant chick, I show up nice and early with my bottle of water and package of saltines at the ready for my 2 pm appointment. Two o'clock comes and goes. See you later 2:15. We're closing in on 2:30 when a woman I've never seen comes out an introduces herself as my doctor's resident (basically, an intern). She asks if she can examine me and I figure what the hell - it's just going over test results, right? Oh Shannon, how could you be so wrong...
First off, the ultrasound - I see it on the computer screen. Pretty straight forward. There are 2 dates - the one based on my last menstrual cycle, and the one based on the measuring of the baby. Of course, they're different, but one would think (especially if one has gone to medical school) that when there are 2 dates, you would go with the ultrasound which seems a little more based in actually hard core data. Apparently, this was beyond the intern. Oh, it says 8 weeks and 3 days here by it says only 5 weeks here. Oh. this seems confusing - she debated back and forth with me trying to interject for 5 minutes until she goes out and gets this wheel thing that reminds me of high school geometry and asks for the date of my last period and announces definitively 5 weeks.
I take a deep breath. Really, you've got medical training? With an afternoon googling and half a pregnancy book read, I seem to know more. I say, if I'm only 5 weeks, then how would there be a heartbeat. Confused look across the face. She must go consult with the doctor. Comes back and announces that I am 8 weeks and 3 days. I could've told you that 15 minutes ago.
Next, I tell her that I'm nauseous all the time and that I have never liked drinking milk (it's just weird). Then I ask if I should be taking a calcium supplement. Mistake #2 Shanny. She thinks I need something to help combat the nausea (GOOD) because then I can start drinking milk again. AGAIN?!? Are you listening?! I hate milk! I didn't drink it when I was a teenager, in my 20's (unless mixed with Kahlua) and I don't want to drink it now! Can I take a calcium supplement. Another blank look and off to find the doctor. Back she comes and tries to give me a withering look, saying I SHOULD be drinking milk, but if I have such an aversion, she guesses I could take a supplement. This is really rocket science isn't it?
Now she decides we need to take a little listen for the baby's heartbeat (you know, since we've now established that I'm 8 weeks pregnant). She breaks out this little contraption that's got what basically looks like an old walkman attached to one end. She turns it on and it's all static - then she slathers on ice cold gel and starts pushing it into my abdomen, specifically my bladder. ARE YOU INSANE? I'm drinking water like it's my lifeblood and without any notice you're pushing on my bladder? It would serve you right if I peed all over you. (I didn't by the way, just a little part of me wanted to)
To distract myself, I am still a little vain and knowing my stomach is going to be growing to basketball or large watermelon like proportions, I want to know if I can get my hair coloured or at least highlighted. She stops and looks at me like I've suggested that I throw a kegger next weekend. That is so dangerous, she says.
Then 2 seconds later she announces nonchalantly that she can't find the heartbeat. Anyone else and I'd probably be bawling, but I don't think this one could find a jellybean in a candy store.
Thank God. The doctor stops in on my now 45 minute appointment to see what's taking so long. I quickly recap and she says, it's unlikely you'd hear the heartbeat on that machine this early and oh yeah no problem about your hair - get highlights and wait until the second trimester to be safe. Was that so difficult?!?
Pull up the yoga pants and I am outta here before this intern lays another hand on me. At least Monica Lewinsky could've told me some good stories.
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