And the winner is...

Off to the ultrasound I go, Tyler in tow...  Drink a gallon or 12 of water to make sure the baby has nowhere to hide...  We're both vibrating with excitement and anticipation - with a little bit of having to pee thrown in.
Get to the clinic and get shown to my special waiting area.  We sit and wait.  And wait.  And wait.  Bladder is getting very full.  Wow, this chair must be made for someone at least 5 inches taller than me because I just can't get comfortable. Look over at boyfriend - he is texting people about the NHL draft.  Seriously buddy?! We're waiting to see the friggin' miracle of life and you're more concerned about a possible Regehr trade and some other blah-dy blah blah hockey stuff?!  Give him a glare and demand the phone gets turned off.  Start to get an objection but throw a look of death and dismemberment and iPhone is turned off.  Smart boy.
Finally, the tech comes out and shows us into the room - lay down on the table, gel gets squirted all over, and she starts looking... Right off the bat, we tell her we're here to find out the sex - no ifs, ands, or buts.  She smiles sweetly and says no problem, just a couple things that we need to check first...
Head measurements, hands, feet, heart, spine...  It's been a half an hour and we just wanna see the bits and pieces already!!  Tech says the babies being very cooperative - I say it must be a girl.  Then she shows us the hand and it looks like the baby's giving us the finger - Ty thinks that's the sign of a boy...
Finally, she types GENDER on the top of the screen, shows us the baby's legs and makes a little tap with the paddle... the baby turns and she points to the screen... says, see those 3 little lines right there?  We nod.  That's as clear as it can get - congratulations, it's a GIRL.
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!  A baby girl!  Baby Ottilia (aka Tilly)! 
The tech walks out of the room and we're breaking out the texts like it's going out of style.  Big dumb smiles on our faces - gonna have a beautiful baby daughter...  Now to somehow keep her room and wardrobe from looking like a pink flamingo threw up all over it.

What brand of baby...

This Friday is it.  THE ultrasound...  THE one that everyone asks about - we're finding out what flavour of baby is sucking all the nutrients from my body like a cute little parasite.
Will I be inundated with pink, bows, and frills - either for a girl or fag hags and fellow lovers of 'Glee' trying to ensure that my boy will love show tunes and be excellent at coordinating an outfit?
Will it be blue, along with trucks, GI Joes, and footballs for an impending boy or girl that will kick ass and fix my car?
And then there's the name question...  Yes, the names are picked out.  And no, I'm not naming my child after you, your pet, a piece of fruit, or spelling some word in reverse to try to make up a name (did you know that a big one a few years back was Nevaeh?  Blech..........)
As for the surprise...  I've already heard it - what do you mean you're finding out?!?  Don't you want the surprise when you're in the waiting room? It makes the birth that much more exciting!
Here is my answer to that - I've already had enough surprises, thank you very much.
Surprise #1: peeing on a Clear Blue Easy stick and a plus sign showing up...  Especially since I never missed a period (welome to the world of implantation bleeding and spotting) Almost lost my dinner on that one.
Surprise #2:  Just HOW sick you get while pregnant - I actually did lose my dinner a few times and for over 3 months, constantly felt like I was going to... Whoopee, surprises are so fun!
Surprise #3:  The ineptitude of a select few members of the medical field in Canada - a medical intern not being able to read test results and a phlebotomist pricking me repeatedly like an acupuncture treatment gone bad.
Surprise #4: The fact that at a very young feeling 37, I am considered an "at-risk" pregnancy for no reason other than I am 37. Are you kidding?  I'm awesome and the baby will be fine - at least I'm no longer the dumbass I was at 20 (admit it - we were all dumbasses at 20)
Surprise #5:  Pregnancy induced narcolepsy - I have never been a big napper, but I'm scared to drive in rush hour traffic... If I stop too long, I may be lulled to sleep by the soft sounds coming from my radio and the gentle vibrations of the car engine
Surprise #6:  Baby makes me want to eat like I'm in college again.  Cravings? Only 2 - peanut butter and banana on toast and pepperoni and bacon Pizza Pops.  Seriously baby?  Sometime I would like a juicy steak, but oh no, you want a pizza pop?!
Surprise #7:  Last week I went to bed.  Happened to look down and there were my feet.  Woke up the next morning.  Somehow, overnight, my feet have disappeared under my belly.  Looks like baby's renos of my uterus have moved on to the next stage of expansion...
Surprise #8: This one was a very happy one.  Go to Walmart.  Parking lot is insane (like usual).  Driving around and spot an oasis - the expectant mother / young family parking spot RIGHT next to the handicapped spot.  Zip in, get a nasty look from a woman walking by UNTIL I step out and show off the belly.  Pregnancy may have a few perks after all...

Now when can I get the expectant mother discount on my PB and Pizza Pops?  Do I need a card or something?

Drug sniffing pregnant women

I'll clarify right off the bat - I don't mean to have pregnant women become crackheads.  I am referring more to the pregnant "Superman" smell... the fact that my boyfriend can walk in the house and, even though he's 15 feet away, I can smell the single beer he just drank.  Or a friend mentioning how good a pizza smelled at a restaurant, only to have her husband look around for the "amazing" pizza to see that it was served 4 tables away!
I know that personally, the super smell has it's benefits and it's problems - I cannot stand the smell of meat cooking, cheap cologne, and don't even get me started on pot smoke... which brings me to my new theory...
Picture this - you go to the airport, and there's no drug sniffing dogs around... but there's a dozen pregnant women, walking around, looking like they're about to jet off somewhere fabulous...  SUDDENLY - one of the women points to an apparent business man and out of nowhere, airport police swarm from the rafters and take down the guy, opening his luggage and revealing a hidden stash of drugs!  These are the new drug sniffing police pregnant women!
You see, pregnant women start getting forgetful, our backs hurt, we don't fit into our pretty clothes, and forget about out beloved high heel collection...  This is a way that we can give back to society, use our new 9-months of super powers for good instead of just the increased sale of anti-nausea products.  In exchange, we would only ask for simple things - perhaps a massage chair, regular foot rubs and pedicures, endless supplies of preventative stretch mark creams, membership to a Haagen Dazs of the month club, the occasional plane ticket somewhere relaxing with a spa, and of course, some new fabulous maternity clothes that don't make us feel like a whale!
All in all, it's a win-win - think of all the money you'd save on training those drug sniffing doggies and just looking on my Facebook, there seems to be no shortage of preggers.

So I'm waiting... when do I get my first pint of ice cream and trip to Hawaii?

Pregnant = no line?!

The other night, off I go to see Bridesmaids with my friend Carly, sporting the FANTASTIC maternity jeans she gave me.  We laughed, we got grossed out (no more Brazilian BBQ for me!), and we ate a stupid amount of popcorn.  All in all, a great night.  After the movie, being women, of course we had to pee. 
No big surprise, but we hit the loo and there was a lineup - whether it's a movie, a sporting event,  or even the weekend at the mall, being a women and as such, not being able to just "whip it out and get'er done," we have been brought up with a healthy respect for the bathroom lineup.
Back to the movie theater... there we are, waiting to rid ourselves of our movie beverages.  Getting closer... getting closer... I'm the first one in line!  A stall opens up, I take 2 steps towards it, and... a girl pushes past me from out of nowhere and steals my stall!  OH THE HUMANITY!! Of course, me being me, I can't just take it from this stall stealing floozy! I very loudly say EXCUSE ME!  To which I get from somewhere in the vicinity of the back of the line, a motherly looking woman "inform" me, "Well excuse me, but she's pregnant!" with a smug look of self satisfaction on her face.
Ah, sometimes, the universe just lines up and delivers you the perfect opportunities...  I promptly turn around, lift up my t-shirt, exposing the wide, elastic beige fabric waist of my beloved maternity jeans, point to my distended tummy and snapped right back with, "Well, So. Am. I!"
The other women in line got a kick out of this one, as any woman who has patiently waited in line to only have some "bud"...  there were sniggers and smirks, and the mother of the budder mumbled a insincere apology while promptly looking down at the floor.
A stall opens up and in I go... Is it wrong that it felt so good to put her in her place?  Maybe... I know it wasn't a very "Madonna with child" moment in my life, but having been nauseous and tired all the time, for some reason this gave me energy and made me wanna take on the world! 
I shall take my new "Preggo still means lineups" message to the world!  To the registry office, fast food restaurants, Victoria's Secret dressing room, airport check-ins... Anywhere that people wait patiently, only to have someone feel that due to human nature and ginormous belly, they don't have to ask permission but rather shall push their way to the front of any given queue!
YA!  16 weeks pregnant and I'm already gonna take on the system...  Hmm, I'm home and I'm sleepy again... TYLER... I'm already lying down and baby is thirsty - will you get me some water? Don't forget some lemon!  Mmmmmmm... ya, take on the world... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Practice Puppy Parent

So sitting on the computer after work and my boyfriend comes running upstairs - our neighbour has to go out of town on an emergency for work and can we look after Spike for a few days?  We LOVE Spike. He's a 9 year old Shitzu who has one trick in his arsenal - he does the "ewok" - which is him up on his back legs begging for food.  Hey, it works for him and I can respect that - when you got something that works, why change it?!
Anyways, Off to get Spikey and bring him back to our apartment... yes, technically we live in a "no pets" building but it's only for a couple nights, Spike doesn't bark at all, and my theory is that if my landlords can't fix a drawer after 3 months or our toilet after 6 months, a little puppy love isn't going to hurt. Uh-oh.  Twisting the rules to my advantage - bad parenting habit #1.
Drop off Spike's stuff and I figure we'll get him nice and tired out on a walk.  Grab some poopy bags and out the door.  Things are going good, we've walked a grand total of about a block and for some unbeknownst reason, he digs in his paws in the classic I-don't-wanna-go-there puppy gesture.  Try to channel the Dog Whisperer.  Be a pack leader.  Try to make that sound the Dog Whisperer makes - sound like a sick bird.  Spike tilts his head and looks at me like "Really?  You think I'll feel sorry for a sick bird and come where you want me to?  Nice try sucker."  That's it - this is a 8 pound Shitzu.  Scoop him up and carry him across the street.  Bad parenting habit #2 - when he doesn't do what I want, I just force him to my will. Whoops.
We come to a pretty lilac bush and he starts sniffing around - does the dog like lilacs?  Nope he's got the determined air of a canine that needs to go.  Sure enough, next thing he cops a squat and out it comes.  Being a good surrogate puppy parent, I whip out my plastic baggie and scoop it up.  YUCKY - my extreme sensitivity to smells is still in high gear and the smell of puppy poop has me gagging in the bush.  Bad parenting habit #3 - gonna have to change diapers and if I'm gagging all the time, it's really gonna suck.
Spike keeps walking around the bush, the he looks right up at me and cops another squat and... another dump! AHHHHHHHH! Pull out my other plastic baggie and swearing under my breath - I just picked up after you 10 seconds ago!  You couldn't have done it in one go?  Bad parenting habit #4 - he can't help having to go again 10 seconds later - get used to it with babies and changing a diaper 20 times a day.
We manage to continue the walk and when we get home, I figure the pup deserves some dinner.  I microwave up some lasagna for me and put some doggie food in his dish.  He looks at me and my lasagna and looks at his dry food. Ewok.  I mix a little of the meat sauce from my lasagna into his food, along with some stew from the fridge.  Down goes his plate of food in no time.  Bad parenting habits #5 and #6 - I totally fell for the super cute act and I bribed him to eat his food.
We're done with supper, sit down to watch some TV - he comes to cuddle me, but it's mostly me coming to him to cuddle - I guess that's something else I'll just have to get used to. 
Then Tyler gets home - Spike is excited beyond belief running around and as Ty lays down on the futon, Spike jumps up and curls in a little ball right up to him.  So that's how it's gonna be, eh? I'll walk you, feed and water you, and clean up after you but at the end of the day, it's all about the daddy.
Nuts.  At least I still have 5 1/2 months to figure this stuff out - now off to walk the dog again.