Dear Ottilia;
Hi my little girl! This is your mommy. You're still just a little astronaut in my tummy, but I thought I should write you a letter to let you know about what's happening and some of the things I am hoping will and won't happen once you decide to make your debut.
Mommy loves you, but I have started to keep a record for every bit of nausea, headaches, emergency trips to the doctor, weird bumps / rashes, aversions to my favourite foods, and generally crappiness I have been feeling. When you start to hit puberty and are driving me up the wall, I will be bringing out said journal in front of your friends and start listing them off. You've been warned.
While I know you'll be adorable, I want you to use your head. You will read books and think for yourself. Self esteem is good, but I don't want you to play dumb for a boy. If you do, I will ship you off to a school run by nuns and it won't be just like the Sound of Music. Although it may be in Austria. I haven't decided yet.
If I hear you've been hanging out with Charlie Sheen wannabes, there will be an intervention and it will not be pretty - I will be contacting those witches from Sleeping Beauty and putting you into a slumber until me and your daddy can "take care" of the scumbags. Scumbags - fair warning... mess with the momma bear and you will be mauled. And hidden in a forest.
I want you to realize that from the day Mommy peed on her magic Clear Blue stick and found out that you'd been hitching a ride in there, me and your Daddy were instantly in love with you with all our hearts and we would do anything for you. Along with that comes some stuff we know we will do that will annoy / embarrass you. I apologize in advance for the following:
- giving you big wet kisses and hugs, while telling you how much I love you in a version of baby talk, all in front of your friends and a boy you like
- taking you to the mall to get your first training bra and talking to the salesperson about you growing little boobies and pushing them into position, probably while there's at least another girl from your class in the same dressing room
- having the birds and the bees talk with you - just know, it won't be terribly easy for me either, and I would rather be watching whatever substitute for Grey's Anatomy will be on television, but we'll get through it together.
- showing you how to use a tampon, pluck your eyebrows, and shave your legs... There will be a little blood, and little pain, but it will be worth it. Hopefully.
- your Daddy standing at the door and being threatening (perhaps with a gun) when a boy comes to pick you up for your first date. That's just something Daddy's do - you're his little girl now and forever and if anyone messes with you, he'll be annihilated (and that's not figurative. I'm serious.)
Well Tilly, that's all your mommy can think of for now. If you're reading this, I'm probably sleeping and you've snuck onto my computer and found the link. That's what I get for having a baby genius on my hands.
Love,
Mommy.
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