Damn you Clear Blue Easy

I need to start at the beginning but what really is the beginning?  Is it the fact that for the last few weeks, I just have felt off.  You know, off. 
Food that I adore just didn't taste... right.  I mean, the delicious, sweet, soft heaven that is a cupcake should make my spirits soar!  Instead, I tentatively took a little lick of icing.  Mmm good.  More icing.  Mmm even better.  Time to dive in and take a giant bite of chocolate-y cake-y yumminess to get back... nothing.  Actually scratch that.  Worse than nothing.  A slight feeling of revulsion.  Don't get me wrong, being the trooper that I am, I powered through and finished the whole cuppycake, but afterwards, I needed a nap and flat gingerale. Curses.
Now it's not just that... It was nausea.  Constant nausea - the super bitch of pregnancy.  Morning sickness is the biggest load of bullsh*t I ever heard.  Morning I could handle but 24-7, making me sick while I watch a food related commercial (KFC - pack your knifes, you are kicked off the island, you're fired) is f*ing ridiculous.
Of course, I heard the "Maybe, you're, you know..." with a grand sweeping gesture over the stomach area... To which I responded, what, fat?!  Have indigestion?  Being affected in a new weird and wonderful way by Calgary's chinook winds? To be greeted with rolling eyes and the whisper out of the corner of the mouth of... maybe you're pregnant.
PREGNANT?!  Ya right. I'm 37 and careful. You don't get to 37 without kiddies without being CAREFUL. 
So there I was.  It was the weekend.  I made Tyler (my boyfriend and baby daddy) get off the couch and away from his marathon of pawn-related programming to go to Safeway with me to get a roast chicken and pregnancy test - if I'm going to do this, I ain't doing it on an empty stomach!  Better get some salads and buns too while I'm at it...
I digress.  We come back to our little charming 1 bedroom apartment.  I eat and savour my roast chicken (which doesn't taste right either dammit), drink copious amounts of water and head to the bathroom to just DO IT ALREADY.
Read the instructions.  Control window to make sure the test is working properly, line means nothing, cross means something, results in 2 minutes.  Got it.
Sit on toilet (skip to next paragraph if this is TMI) and had a slight case of stress related pee blockage.  Talk to myself, saying reassuring things to myself like the fact that I'm a careful 37 year old woman and there's no way and this is just to rule this out so I can figure out what the H-E-double hockey sticks is going on.  AHHHHHH... finally a stream.  stick the Clear Blue Easy stick in, pull it out, wipe off with a little TP and...
Holy crap.  It's been like 10 seconds.  The control window hasn't even activated yet.  And there, in the brightest blue imaginable is - a cross.
WTF?  I'm pregnant.