Where we left off, our heroine had been sent home, turned out from the hospital aka home of the pain medication. Hi morphine - you're fun... wanna hang out and become my BFF?!
Get home about 2:30am and now I need to navigate the stairs. I feel like a co-ed who just went to her first kegger - the stairs are looking mighty comfy... Arms behind me propelling me to bed. Hello bed - I love you. Fall face first onto mattress. Pass out in the attractive one leg practically on the floor, mouth open with drool coming out and my arms starfished out to my sides. I guess this is what I've been missing for 9 months since I couldn't drink? Everyone's off to bed - slight feeling of defeat once again. Thought for sure this was it. Oh well, at least I have December 5th's induction date to look forward to.
About 3:15, wake up with a start. Holy crap!! I feel like I need to take a really big... well, crap. Into the bathroom I go, being careful not to wake anyone up. DAMMIT! Nothing is coming out. Let's try a bath - nope, not helping. Hmm... did I take my Metamucil today? Yes... Well WTF? Out of the tub, back on the "water closet" - interesting. The pre-morphine pains are making a comeback like NKOTB.
Pooping urges are coming fast and furious - uh-oh. The steak for dinner seems to be fighting me and... OH SHIT! I'M ON THE TOILET AND I NEED TO THROW UP! Hello bathtub... Wow, even with my very worst hangover, I've never seen vomit like that... Morphine giveth and morphine taketh away - with this puke-apalooza, the morphine is wearing off fast - OH THIS REALLY HURTS MORE THAN A POOP!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...
It's now just about 4am - Momma calls the Labour and Delivery evil geniuses. Apparently, with their magnificent 20/20 hindsight, they admit they probably shouldn't have sent me home. Tell Momma to bring me back to the hospital. Wake up Tyler and Dad, who can both sleep through anything, including a pregnant woman yelling, tell them we're going to the hospital to see if I am in actual labour this time and if I am, then Ty can come to the hospital.
Get into the car. FRONT SEAT IS TOO STRAIGHT!! I NEED TO GO IN THE BACK WHERE I CAN CONVULSE AND LAY DOWN!! Get to the hospital. I WANT A FRIGGIN' WHEELCHAIR! My poor mother is practically running down the hallway to the elevators - WHY ARE THE ELEVATORS SO F*ING FAR?! Get to Labour and Delivery - they throw me right back into the exact same room I vacated a mere 2 hours ago.
Shannon, put your feet together and let your knees relax - NOT THIS A F*ING AGAIN! Hmmm... Appears you're dilated to 3cm. Congratulations, you're in labour. I COULD'VE TOLD YOU THAT! (look around for a bedpan to throw - no luck). Realization strikes - 3cm means I can get an epidural. Start telling / yelling at anyone in a pair of scrubs that looks like they may be able to help me, I WANT AN EPIDURAL RIGHT NOW! Yes Shannon, we will just get you admitted and sent to a delivery room and we'll get you your epidural - LESS PLACATING ME, MORE PAIN MEDICATION!
Mom needs to call Tyler so he can be here! Nurse looks at Mom - there's no rush for him to get here... She's over 35 and it's her first baby - this baby's not coming for HOURS. Oh yeah, because you guys have been so accurate to this point. Let's just be safe and get him here NOW.
What is taking so long for this admitting and epidural-ing to happen?
Time for Mommy to take another writing break - the benevolent dictator Ottilia has decided that the bassinet is no longer acceptable and that the Mommy needs to cuddle her now. Only 18 years of indentured servitude left to go.
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